The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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