I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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