Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize