Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
