You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
