Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
