booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
