george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
