i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
