I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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