I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
