She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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