remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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