Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
