bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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