I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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