I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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