how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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