My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
