Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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