i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
