there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
