i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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