Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Randomize
