dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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