I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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