I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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