you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
