her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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