you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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