Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
