By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
