Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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