At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
