Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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