if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
