In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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