seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
