i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
