You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You have to summon your inner elephant
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize