Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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