i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
