Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Did I show you my penis last night?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
