atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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