Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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