she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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