I could have mohawked her pubes.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
