Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
