Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
