I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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