I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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