I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
