today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Dicks are not precious.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
