i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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