I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
