My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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