Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
